Look at me
by Swaany
Summary: Just a little story for my BBF's birthday. Slightly AU, cause for a short story I thought it might be easer if Jane and Maura already had their experience with other women. This story deals with the whole Casey situation and how it should have been.


A/N: Thanks to socialawkwardpenguin for taking the time to beta this story. And please people if you would take a minute or two to review this story. It's my first Rizzles-Fanfic in english and english is not my first language, so please be kind. I'd really appreciate it. And I hope that this story makes at least a little sense. It's definitely not a masterpiece. It was supposed to be just a little fluff. ;) But now please enjoy the story :)

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Look at me

Jane wiped away a tear.

"I really can't understand it, Maura. I told him, that it makes no difference to me and still he refuses to see me." Jane sobbed. Her best friend tried to comfort her as much as she could.

"Am I not lovable? Am I not worth it?" The detective asked. At this point Maura stopped her best friend.

"Okay stop Jane. I can't listen to this any longer! I can't understand why you're putting yourself down. You're smart, you're beautiful, you're amazing. Don't think it could be any different."

Jane smiled at her best friend and wiped another tear away. "You're just saying that, Maura. I mean... It seems as if people can't love me. It must be me. Grant turned away from me and left me for a job and Casey... well he did the surgery and it's just that it seems as if no one.."

"Don't you dare saying that no one loves you, Jane Rizzoli! I do, I love you. I care about you. And anyone who can't see the great woman that you are isn't worth one single tear."

Jane looked at her.

"I know you love me Maura. But you're my best friend. You..." Before she could continue, Maura stopped her with a deep kiss. It didn't last long, but long enough to make Jane speechless.

"Don't you understand, Jane? I love you. I'm deeply, madly in love with you." She could see that Jane was shocked and when Jane didn't say a word and after what felt like a lifetime Maura started to regret what she said. She had been so sure when she said them, but not getting any answer was not the way she had pictured that situation. But it was true. She was in love with her best friend. She had been for a quite a while and seeing Jane so broken-hearted and with a lack of self-confidence she had the feeling that this was the right thing to do. But now Maura panicked. She looked down and blushed. "I'm sorry Jane. I... I shouldn't have done and said that. I'm sorry.", she stammered. The medical examiner left Jane's apartment without looking back.

She didn't want Jane to see her hives, because she lied. It wasn't true. She wasn't sorry for saying these words. She stopped for a second when she left the building to catch her breath and she thought if she should go back to Jane. She shook her head, got in her car and drove home.

Jane was still sitting on her couch. She hadn't moved since Maura had kissed her. She didn't know what to think or what to do. With a frustrated sigh she stood up and started pacing around her apartment. Her dog Jo followed her and finally Jane decided to go for a run. She changed her clothes and took Jo's leash. "Come on Joe. It's time for a walk."

While she was running down the streets, she tried to figure out what this was all about. Sure they both had dated a few women before. They never made it a secret, that they were also attracted to women. She also had flirted with Maura, a lot actually. At some point she had seriously thought about asking Maura out on a date. She had discovered feelings for her best friend, but she was always afraid that she wouldn't be enough for the medical examiner. They were from two different worlds and though it had never been a subject between them, Jane feared that one day it might be.

And then came Casey. He was like her, he knew where she came from. With him everything seemed so easy. So she had talked herself into this. This seemed the best way for her to keep her feelings for Maura to herself and keep her as the best friend she was. Because the Jane's greatest fear was losing Maura. And now she felt like an idiot. She thought about going to Maura to talk about this with her, but the detective thought that this wasn't the best idea at that moment.

Maura had changed in a pair of yoga-pants and a top and was laying in her bed. She had pictured that moment so often and in every fantasy she had, it was a lot more romantic. She felt like a love-sick teenager every time she was standing next to Jane and she could feel her heart breaking every time Jane talked about Casey. Her phone rang and she answered without taking a look who it was.

"Dr. Isles."

"Maura... it's me." she heard that husky voice. That voice that sent shivers down her spine. That voice that she dreamed about every single night. That voice that she always wanted to hear. She pressed the phone to her ear without realizing that she hadn't said a word.

"Are you still there?" she could hear Jane asking. But she wasn't able to answer. She opened her mouth a few times and she was pretty sure, that she looked like a fish.

"I'm sorry, Jane.", Maura repeated her words from before and hung up.

Around half an hour later she could hear the door bell, but she refused to open the door. She knew it was Jane. She heard the door opening. Jane must have used her key to let herself in. The medical examiner turned her back to the bedroom door when it was slowly opened by Jane a few moments later.

"You didn't mean it, right?" she heard that beautiful voice. She was not sure what Jane meant exactly, so she decided to see, if Jane said something else.

"Why did you apologize? Did you say it, to make me feel better? Because I can tell you, Maura, it didn't! Did you kiss me for the same reason? You don't tell your best friend something like that and then apologize for it. That's not how it works, Maura." The medical examiner could tell that Jane was totally overwhelmed by this situation and she didn't know how to respond.

Maura turned around and faced her friend. Tears were shimmering in her eyes. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry, but her inability to lie made it impossible to say these words. And seeing Jane so hurt made it even harder. She had to tell the truth.

"I... Jane... you...", she stammered. Jane laid her hands on Maura's shoulders and was looking her in the eye.

"Tell me Maura. Are you sorry that you said it?", Jane asked again, getting angry. The medical examiner shook her head.

"I'm not sorry. I meant every single word. I am so in love with you. I never wanted anything more in my life than I want you. And not just as my best friend, but as my girlfriend. Everytime you hug me, I wish you'd never stop. Everytime you look at me with your big, beautiful brown eyes, I fall for you a little more. I want to fall asleep next to you and I want to wake up in your arms. I love you, Jane. And nothing could ever change that." Maura was sobbing after she finished. Jane looked at her and tears were running down her cheeks.

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. No one has ever said something like that to me before. I wish..." Jane answered but to her surprise Maura stopped her.

"You don't have to say it in return, because you don't want to hurt me. I even could understand it, if you never wanted to see me again. I just couldn't hold it back any...", before she could finish that sentence, she could feel Jane's lips on hers and it was the most amazing thing she'd ever felt. It seemed as if the world stopped turning for a second, though Maura knew that it was absolutely impossible that the world stopped turning just because of a kiss. She smiled into the kiss when she thought about it. A few moments later she frowned and broke away from Jane. She was confused.

"Why Jane?", the smaller woman asked. She ignored the joy and the butterflies in her stomach. She needed answers before she could enjoy these feelings.

"What do you mean Maur?" Jane asked in return.

"Why did you come here? Why did you just kiss me? You're in love with Casey, remember?" Maura hated to bring up that subject again and her heart ached, especially when she saw that Jane's face darkened. The detective sighed loudly.

"I am... I mean... I was. I thought I was. Jeez Maura, I don't know. When you kissd me in my apartment, it was surprising, I am not going to deny that, but after you left, all I could think about was kissing you again. I wanted to feel your lips again and again. I haven't thought about Casey until you mentioned him just now." Jane reached for Maura's cheek, but to her surprise the medical examiner took a step backwards.

"Jane. I don't want to be your second choice, just because you can't have him. I meant what I said. I want to be with you, but I don't want you to run back into his arms, when he decides that he wants you. I couldn't handle that.", the smaller woman said honestly.

"You really think I would do that?", Jane asked and Maura could hear that she was really hurt.

"I don't know what I should think, Jane. You've been crying over Casey for more than two hours and you told me that you love him, that you want to spend your life with him, even if he's paralyzed. I spent two hours comforting you, trying to be your best friend. With every word about him my heart ached. I couldn't hold back any longer, because I thought you needed to know that there is someone who loves you for all that you are. You are special and you are perfect the way you are. And though obviously Casey doesn't want to see that, you want him. But still you came here and kissed me and that was the best kiss I've ever shared with someone Jane, really. But still I don't want you to chose me, just because it seems simple or because you can't have him right now or because I'm a nice distraction from him. That's not what I want, Jane." She was crying again, because it was true. As much as she hoped for a future with Jane, she was afraid that she wasn't enough for her.

"Maura. I'd never do..."

"Don't finish that one, Jane, because you don't know if you wouldn't do that. I think it might be better if you leave now. We're both upset and I think there are some things we need to think about. Well at least there are things I need to think about. We'll see each other at work tomorrow."

"But Maura...", Jane tried again. There were so many things the detective wanted to tell her best friend right now, but it seemed as if she was not willing to listen to this at the moment.

"Please go Jane.", she said and turned away from the detective. Jane opened her mouth to say something else, but she decided otherwise and looked sadly at Maura, then turned around and left Maura's house.

Over the course of the following days Jane and Maura barely talked to each other. They just talked about their cases but apart from that they avoided each other. Korsak and Frost tried to find out what was happening between those two women, but if looks could kill they both would be dead. So they decided that it might be the best to not bring up this subject again. Jane thought about her feelings for Maura and Casey a lot. She had figured out, that she was blinded by Casey and that the feelings she thought she had for him never had been there. She had just convinced herself, so that she believed it, but truth be told this had been just the distraction from her feelings for Maura. Not the other way round like Maura had accused.

Jane was sitting in the District One Café and was listening to the nonstop chattering of her mother. Angela was watching her daughter. She could see that Jane was suffering, she also had seen that it was the same with Dr. Isles, so she thought that something must have happened between her two girls and she really wanted to find out what it was.

"Do I have to ask Maura, what happened between you two? Or are you going to tell me on your own?" she suddenly asked her daughter. Jane needed a few seconds to realize what her mother had asked her.

"What? Ma! No! That's really none of your business. And don't you dare ask Maura!"

"Oh come on, Janie. Something happened between my two girls. I just want to help you."

"No Ma, please. Can you please let it go. Please.", Jane asked, she was almost begging. Angela gave her daughter a hug.

"Okay sweetie, but let me know if you need anything."

"Ma, how often do I have to tell you, that you shouldn't do this at work?", Jane said and with a grumpy look on her face and a strong coffee in hand she left the Café.

She needed to talk to Maura, but so far Maura had refused to talk to her. As soon as Jane tried to talk about this, Maura ended their conversation, which was odd, because usually it was the other way round. So she needed to find a way to make Maura listen to her. She felt like a complete idiot and there were a million things she needed to tell Maura. So she took a sticky note, wrote something on it and went down to the morgue. She hoped she wouldn't meet Maura and luckily when she entered the morgue she couldn't see her best friend. So she headed to Maura's laptop and put the sticky note there. She was sure Maura would find it sooner or later. She left the morgue again and hoped that she would get an answer.

When Maura came back in the morgue, she knew immediately that Jane had been there. She could smell her. That intoxicating lavender scent that was Jane. She loved that smell and she wished she could go to Jane and be with her right now. But she was still too afraid of Jane's reaction, so she continued to avoid her best friend. She went to her laptop and her heart skipped a beat, when she saw that yellow paper that was on her laptop. She smiled when she saw the text. _"Meet me at the little wooden bridge by the Mystic River at 7 pm" _Maura didn't need to think twice. She would be there. There was a little hope in her, that Jane was serious, that she had the same feelings for Maura as Maura had for Jane. So she was willing to listen to her. She couldn't stand the silence anymore. Everytime she saw Jane, she wanted to tell her again and again that she loved her. She wanted to beg her to give them a chance, but she tried to ignore that urge. After all she still was too well-behaved to do something like this. But she definitely wanted to hear what Jane had to say to her.

Jane was standing at the river. She was nervous. She wasn't sure, if Maura would really come. But when she saw her, her nervousness only increased. Still she smiled at her.

"Hi.", she said almost shyly and Maura smiled back. God, she had missed that smile in the last few days so much. It was almost like heaven on earth.

"Hello Jane.", the medical examiner answered. Jane took Maura's hand in hers and walked a few steps along the river. At a spot where they had a beautiful view across the river, Jane had put a blanket on the ground and now she sat down and hoped Maura would also sit down. And she did.

"Why are we here, Jane?", Maura asked. Still she tried to keep her expectations low, because she didn't want to get disappointed.

"Because there are a lot of things I need to tell you and I hope that you will listen to me, until I have finished, okay?" She waited for a response and Maura nodded slightly. Jane took a deep breath and looked Maura deep in the eyes.

"Okay... so first of all, I'm really sorry for my behavior. I never really loved Casey. I have talked myself into this, because I thought that it was the best solution for all of us. I had feelings for you for quite some time. But I am a coward and so I decided to keep them to myself. Not the smartest decision obviously. You gave me the well deserved kick in the ass to realize what I had right in front of me. But still I need to say that I was... I am afraid. I'm afraid that I might lose you, if it doesn't work out. I am afraid that I might lose you because I'm just a cop and because I'm not as educated as you are. But in the last few days I missed you terribly and I realized that I can't be without you. I'm not complete. I had the feeling, that something was missing and that was you. You make me a better person. I trust you with my life and I love you, Maura, I really do and I promise I will do my best to prove it to you every single day, if you just let me. I will love you for the rest of my life, if you just let me. But please talk to me again. I really can't stand the silence between us." Jane was almost begging and she hoped that Maura wasn't turning away from her. But the medical examiner was far from running away. She had tears in her eyes.

"Jane...", she started.

"Please Maura. Give this a chance. I have been acting like an asshole and I'm really regretting that."

Maura smiled happily. Her heart had skipped several beats during Jane's speech. If she hadn't been in love with that detective before, she definitely would have been in love with her after hearing those words.

"Jane?" Maura asked this time and the detective looked at her.

"Yes?"

"Would you please shut up and kiss me now?" That's everything Jane needed to hear and with a relieved sigh, she kissed Maura and she let her guard down. A few tears were running down her cheeks. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't stop the tears either. Her fingers were running up and down Maura's cheeks. She couldn't stop touching her. Jane's greatest fear was, that if she stopped she would wake up from this dream.

"Jane, I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life." Maura managed to say after they broke their kiss and she had caught her breath again.

"I'm so sorry that I broke your heart.", Jane apologized again and Maura laid a finger on her lips.

"But you were also the one who fixed it and you did a pretty good job and you can make it up to me every day for the rest of our lives." Maura kissed Jane again.

"I promise I'll always be by your side. Always." Jane said and with the sun setting in front of them and another kiss it was the perfect promise that Jane never wanted to break!

The End


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